Your New Pet and You Presents: Caring for Your Otto
Congratulations! You have just become the proud owner of your new pet Otto! This guide is specially written with easy, step by step instructions to allow for the best nutritional and habitual care possible for your pet, and allows for a wonderful relationship to grow between you and your new family member! By now you have brought your new pet home, and it is time to get started caring for him!
1. Let your Otto become familiar with his new home!
When you first bring your Otto home, he will most likely be curious about his surroundings. After all, this is an entirely new environment for him! Do not be angry or disturbed if he ‘marks’ anything in your home as ‘his’, there will be a time for reprimands later; for now let him explore. By being patient and calm, you can allow for the best conditions for Otto to become acquainted with your home. Let him wander through each room, ignoring the fact that he’s looking through your undergarments and making comments the whole time. Do not get agitated, he may just be fussy from being so disoriented and overwhelmed at his new home!
You may begin asserting yourself if your Otto gets out of hand. For example, if he starts jumping on the bed or throwing furniture with his tentacles, you may squirt him with water from a spray bottle and firmly command him to stop. Put the spray bottle away if he complies or grabs you around the neck and threatens to snap your spine for spraying water on him. Remember, this relationship must grow on a foundation of love and trust!
2. Show Otto where he will sleep, eat, etc.
Show your Otto where he is allowed to sleep, where his food and water is kept, and the differences between where he can roam in the house and where he is not permitted. If you do not want Otto lounging across the couch, tell him firmly he is not allowed to sit there. Remain calm when he throws you across the living room and sits on the couch anyway, digging through your candy jar looking for the little red candies with the jelly centers. He’ll put all the good candy in his pocket for later and then will light up a cigar and toss the spent match onto the carpet. When you inform him he must stick with a strict diet to maintain a healthy weight and therefore must steer clear of nasty habits such as smoking, he will tell you what he thinks of that idea by blowing cigar smoke in your face. Console yourself by telling yourself that the aggravation now is worth it in the end. Even after he leaves his cigar stub sitting on your coffee table.
3. Do not let Otto near anything related to fusion, fission, friction, or fruitcake; all produce disastrous results!
It is important to keep your Otto safe from harm just as you would with a small child. He is a very intelligent creature, and putting those plastic covers over your electrical sockets will not be enough to keep him out of trouble! If you come home from work one day and see your kitchen has been turned into a fusion reactor laboratory, take steps to ensure Otto will not misbehave anymore. Give him a flask of whiskey and a stogie and set him in a quiet room so he will be able to entertain himself while you clean up his mess for the thirtieth time in a row. Hide the tritium better next time and you can avoid future problems such as this!
4. Prepare foods Otto will enjoy.
Just because he must eat healthy does not mean he cannot enjoy his meals! Allow your Otto access to Oreo cookies; they help maintain shiny hair and sweet-smelling breath. When it is time for his meals, ask him what he would like. He will tell you he wants rib roast with mashed potatoes and butter and broccoli and gravy with bread rolls and a chocolate cake for dessert. Pat him on the head and make him oatmeal. He will look at you with disdain and set the kitchen table on fire. Prepare him what he wanted in the first place and be glad you’re still alive.
Note: If you take him out to restaurants, be sure he doesn’t pinch the waitress on the ass with his tentacles; you can’t afford any more lawsuits.
5. Keep Otto clean!
No one wants a dirty Otto! Make sure he bathes himself regularly, and even if you very badly want to watch and\or help, you must maintain a strong will and keep away from the bathroom door. Stop asking him every five seconds if he needs help reaching his back; he’s got four tentacles to help with that. Leave him plenty of towels but do not give him any clothing because you’re going to wash that filthy trench coat of his. Forget to put them back in the bathroom after they’ve been washed. This will ensure he will have to come to you wrapped in a towel asking where the hell you put his clothes. Show him where they are and then stand in the doorway until he slams it in your face. Be happy that he is clean and well groomed.
6. Give your Otto something to do to occupy his time!
Since your Otto is a brilliant creature, it’s a good idea to supply him with ways to stimulate his mind! Keep him entertained by letting him have access to the Internet and library facilities. Do not let him get into the downtown laboratories. He will become too excited and you’ll no longer have any control over him as he starts rampaging across the streets and throwing taxis. No one wants to deal with a crazy Otto, and this a precaution you must take to keep everyone safe!
7. Remember that Otto has needs too.
Do not become alarmed when you find PlaySquid magazines under his bed. They are perfectly normal for this species and any attempts to rid him of this habit could lead to serious bodily harm. Put them back where you found them. And stop pasting naked pictures of yourself in between the Hot Babes of the Month foldouts. He doesn’t like it.
8. Love his tentacles as you love Otto himself.
Keep in mind Otto’s tentacles are an extension of himself! You must show them the same respect and love as you show your Otto. If they feel neglected in any way they may resort to destructive behavior to keep themselves entertained. It is also not uncommon for them to develop rusty joints, it is important to keep them lubricated to prevent this from happening. Apply a healthy amount to each tentacle giving them all a good rubbing. Otto will most likely smack you for this. Give him the oil after he slaps you away so he can do it himself. And stop spying on him, he can tell you are hiding in the closet.
Important: Keep in mind that while Otto has been domesticated as a house pet, he still retains his instinctive wild animal traits. Don’t come crying back to the pet store if you find he’s blown out all your glass patio windows and doors after trying to recreate his fusion reactor on your porch and then sank the machine in your in-ground pool. As they say, that is simply the nature of the beast.
By following these easy steps and showering your Otto with all the love and affection he deserves, you’ve ensured a long and healthy relationship between yourself and your pet!